why would a man be there?
A reflection on male centered conversations, friendships and media or the paradigm of having friends until you find love
In june, my best friend Nina and I made the decision to not download any dating apps until the end of the year: we wanted to decenter dating and men in general, to focus on ourselves, our friendships and our personal growth.
This “break” from dating and dating apps was welcomed heartily and we both used it to focus on other more important things. However, while on this break, I couldn’t help but notice even more how dating and men were at the center of socialization. Every time I would grab coffee or a drink with a friend, we’d always end up talking about men, be it for a romantic reason or to rightfully hate on them. Same goes with new friends, the first subject of conversation would often switch to boy drama.
This realization made me feel a bit bitter because, why would a man be here? why does it always have to be about them even when they’re not there?
I keep on thinking of the day my friend Sarah who taught me about the Bechdel test in movies. It’s a way of evaluating if a movie is picturing women in a sexist light by having them talk about any other thing than men. While this test was made for cinema, I found myself applying it to my friendships and on media I consume. From TikTok, Youtube, TV Series, movies to conversations with friends, I was surrounded with an overdose of male-centered content and stories. Even if it was to hate on them, criticize or mock them, it felt like they couldn’t escape having the spotlight in every situation, even in my own life.
(This also made me question if considering myself a “misandrist” was not also giving them too much importance.)
“I have nothing fun to say” became one of the lines I heard myself say now that I stopped dating and I then heard it from friends who also pressed pause in their love lives. This made me question why we view dating as the most important thing about us in the way we present ourselves. Isn’t dating supposed to be an accessory to life? An addition to our inner worlds?
Even conscious of this, it’s taking my brain a while to readjust and to change the way I socialize or the media I consume. As much as I try not to consume anything to dating-centered, I am still a hopeless romantic at heart which makes it even more complicated: how do I decenter romantic love when love is my favorite feeling in the world?
Us humans are full of contradictions AHAH
As a woman in my 20s, I want to be surrounded by love, creativity, friendships, nature and the arts. Why would a man be at the center of the temple I’m building? Why are they the punctuation of every interaction?
Having never dated past a certain age is something most people still are ashamed off, even though we’re way past the ages of “spinsters”. Why is it that male recognition and romantic love are supposed to be the living proof that we are functioning/ capable humans? Why do we sometimes feel less when we are not dating or being entertained by anyone?
This paradigm becomes even more apparent when a friend deserts you once she gets into a relationship. Unfortunately, this has happened to me way too many times, as if friendship was nothing more than a launching pad for romantic love. Once they find “their other half”, you’re left deserted as you no longer serve a purpose in their life. Realizing that you’re a stand-in for your closest friends is an heartbreaking realization. No matter what you shared or lived with these persons, the second a romantic interest appears, you’re a ghost to them. Once again, why would a man be here ? Why are romantic relations more valued than friendships? How is it that we lose close friends when they get into a relationship?